Maiden and Mother

This past weekend I visited my aunt and her family. My cousins are 20 and 27 years younger than me, and it was fascinating to see how very differently they each perceive me.

When the oldest was born, I was an undergraduate -- still a kid myself. I had lots of free time during breaks from school, and flights were cheap back then. I visited several times when he was a baby, and even though I am technically old enough to be his mother, I am definitely still his super-fun oldest cousin.

This weekend, not only had I heard of Minecraft (it's an MMOG --- which is an online computer game), I could talk a little bit intelligently about it. I suck at video games, but I'm willing to mash at the controller with vigor. And I swear even when I'm trying not to (which teenage boys love). So we spent lots of time eating Jolly Ranchers and pounding each other at Super Smash Bros. on Wii. It was awesome.

On the other hand, his little sister was born when I was 27. I was working full-time, plus teaching more than part-time, and enjoying the single life in a new city further away. In other words, I couldn't visit like I used to. I didn't have nearly the same amount of time off, and when I did, I had the income to travel abroad and chose to do so instead.

So I saw her less, and by the time she was really aware of me, my daughter had been born. They're only 3 years apart, so to her, I'm more like an aunt or a friend of her parents'. I'm a mother. So we played with her dollhouse and I read her a chapter book on fairies each day I was there, and I loved getting to know her better.

I guess because I am a mother now, I figure that's how people see me, even when my daughter isn't there. So I was surprised to find that my 13-year old cousin doesn't seem to see me that way, and he still wanted to hang out and do the stuff he'd do with the rest of his older cousins. I'm still that funny wild card who teases his mother and is up for anything.

It also made me aware that I didn't leave "Maidenhood" behind when I became a Mother. I think I always thought of the maiden/mother/crone cycle of womanhood as fixed. You are a maiden until you have your first child. Then you are a mother until the kids are raised and you get the menopause, at which point crone kicks in.

But it's not like that. While you may be IN a particular phase, you carry with you the people from your previous phases, and their perception of you from that time. They still essentially see you that way. Think about it: No matter how old you get, your parents still see you as their child. And no matter how old your parents get, you still see them as they were (even as you perceive the effects of time). It's why your best friend since college, or even Kindergarten, doesn't seem to age to you.

There's a constancy there, perhaps because we're all getting older alongside one another. It seems important, though, as we age, to remember that we're still all the things we've been. The maiden isn't dead, she just belongs to certain people in a different place and time. New people who come along now get the mother. And some day, it'll be the crone. But it's still all the same whole person, confident in the seasons of her life and of her sexuality.