Maiden and Mother

This past weekend I visited my aunt and her family. My cousins are 20 and 27 years younger than me, and it was fascinating to see how very differently they each perceive me.

When the oldest was born, I was an undergraduate -- still a kid myself. I had lots of free time during breaks from school, and flights were cheap back then. I visited several times when he was a baby, and even though I am technically old enough to be his mother, I am definitely still his super-fun oldest cousin.

This weekend, not only had I heard of Minecraft (it's an MMOG --- which is an online computer game), I could talk a little bit intelligently about it. I suck at video games, but I'm willing to mash at the controller with vigor. And I swear even when I'm trying not to (which teenage boys love). So we spent lots of time eating Jolly Ranchers and pounding each other at Super Smash Bros. on Wii. It was awesome.

On the other hand, his little sister was born when I was 27. I was working full-time, plus teaching more than part-time, and enjoying the single life in a new city further away. In other words, I couldn't visit like I used to. I didn't have nearly the same amount of time off, and when I did, I had the income to travel abroad and chose to do so instead.

So I saw her less, and by the time she was really aware of me, my daughter had been born. They're only 3 years apart, so to her, I'm more like an aunt or a friend of her parents'. I'm a mother. So we played with her dollhouse and I read her a chapter book on fairies each day I was there, and I loved getting to know her better.

I guess because I am a mother now, I figure that's how people see me, even when my daughter isn't there. So I was surprised to find that my 13-year old cousin doesn't seem to see me that way, and he still wanted to hang out and do the stuff he'd do with the rest of his older cousins. I'm still that funny wild card who teases his mother and is up for anything.

It also made me aware that I didn't leave "Maidenhood" behind when I became a Mother. I think I always thought of the maiden/mother/crone cycle of womanhood as fixed. You are a maiden until you have your first child. Then you are a mother until the kids are raised and you get the menopause, at which point crone kicks in.

But it's not like that. While you may be IN a particular phase, you carry with you the people from your previous phases, and their perception of you from that time. They still essentially see you that way. Think about it: No matter how old you get, your parents still see you as their child. And no matter how old your parents get, you still see them as they were (even as you perceive the effects of time). It's why your best friend since college, or even Kindergarten, doesn't seem to age to you.

There's a constancy there, perhaps because we're all getting older alongside one another. It seems important, though, as we age, to remember that we're still all the things we've been. The maiden isn't dead, she just belongs to certain people in a different place and time. New people who come along now get the mother. And some day, it'll be the crone. But it's still all the same whole person, confident in the seasons of her life and of her sexuality.

Dancing

Dancing is a wonderful, positive way to connect with your partner . . . in front of other people no less.

Now I'm not talking about rockin' out at the club here. No busting out a Dougie or the Roger Rabbit. And it's not some ballroom blitz either. Unless of course these things are your thing. Some couples meet dancing, express themselves through dancing, and that's fantastic. Do it up!

But this is also for those of you out there who can't dance without making your partner's toes sore . . . Surprise the hell out of the one you love.

Put on that song . . . you know the one I'm talking about. You don't have to dim the lights. You don't have to pick up the stuff on the floor. Spontaneity is key. Before your partner can say no, just grab 'em and hold 'em close.

Dancing slow is the opposite of cutting a rug, and anyone can dance slow. If you can hold on to another person and shuffle around in a circle, you're dancing slow.

Dancing makes everyone feel good. Dancing close and slow makes two people feel good together, about working and moving together, leading and yielding.

Try it . . . let me know how it goes!

Your Ex-Piece of What?

A friend once dated a girl who referred to every former boyfriend as "my ex-piece of shit". I kid you not!

So I said to her one day, "So when does he become your next piece of shit?" She says "Oh, I'd never say that about him! I love him."

Sure enough, what did she call him the next time he displeased her? You guessed it. And he threw it back at her, "I thought you loved me!" but it did nothing to change her behavior. Sure enough she did it again, in their very next argument.

But his point of view had changed pretty dramatically in the meantime, and he dumped her --- with her calling him a piece of shit the whole time.

The moral of the story here is that no matter what a person says, look at what she does. She used to love those ex-pieces of shit too. If your current partner has absolutely NO respect for any of her former partners, she doesn't likely respect you either --- or certainly won't sooner or later.

This same axiom applies for respect for one's parents by the way. We all know people who have had terrible parents, so I'm not talking about those people. I mean the ones who say terrible things about those perfectly nice people you just met. That is a major red flag. I've always believed that if a man doesn't respect his (perfectly nice) mother, he's never going to respect me.

Flirting

Flirting is delightful. It's the first way in which we learn to express ourselves sexually. I watched my daughter learn it as a baby, all babies do. Some take to it more than others, but every baby learns that when they make that cute face, the adults fall all over themselves. Then when they want to cajole their way into a lollipop or out of trouble, the flirting begins anew.

Flirting is also the first step in indicating interest in a partner. And it's something you can do, every day, to show your partner you still think they're foxy.

Think about it. Lots of this Positive Sexuality stuff takes effort, libido, motive, opportunity. But flirting . . . that takes nothing. It's easy, it makes the flirter feel good, and the flirted with feel GREAT.

I'm not going to tell you what to do. You know how you flirt. And I swear to God, I can hear some of you out there saying "I don't know how to flirt!" Bullshit! You may not FEEL like you know how to flirt. Flirting might seem as natural to you as breathing under water. But that doesn't mean it's not within your grasp.

Flirting is nothing more than a smile. A compliment. A little eye contact. Sharing a little inside joke. It's being thoughtful, leaving that note, dropping off that coffee. Flirting is simply showing your partner that you care, you respect them, you're thinking of them. And you think they're foxy.

Be careful, though, not to flirt with others too much in front of your partner. It sends the signal that that cashier or waiter is far more interesting than your partner. If you find yourself doing so, stop. You're being hurtful, and you need to direct that attention to the one who brought you. If you find your partner is doing it, call them out!

Flirting, like so many things, is very subjective. What's just being friendly to one person could be an outright proposition to another. If your partner is offended by your flirtatiousness, or doesn't understand why you are uncomfortable with her flirting with everyone else in the room, you might simply not be compatible. That doesn't necessarily mean the other person is wrong, just wrong for you.

Blowing off Steam!

One of the best reasons to have sex is to blow off steam. Lots of people also exercise, which is great. But estimates say you can burn between 200-400 calories in half an hour of sweet lovin'.

But you know, that treadmill doesn't leave its laundry all over the house. And the elliptical didn't have you up half the night with teething pain. And it wasn't the damned free weights that knocked you over when you tried to take them for a walk this morning. Sometimes it's nice to work out your stress with the person who helped you create it, who marinates in it with you every day.

One of the funniest, most honest moments I've ever seen on TV was a baseball player and his wife in the back of a town car, talking about the secret to their successful relationship: communication, respect, etc. Then she said something brilliant, to the effect of: "And sometimes you just have to screw it out."

She's so right! In a sexually positive relationship, sex is that kind of communication. It's a great big expressive workout, culminating in a happy ending! No gym is going to give you that. At least not one you'd want to go to, anyway.

The Staggering Double Standard

So we're bombarded with images of sexy people, especially women, all the time. Constantly. Been going on for years.

Yet, we demonize female sexuality . . .

Is anyone else confused?

Sexy is good, but having sex is bad?

Getting attention is good, but too much attention is bad?

Being a slut is bad, but no one wants to be bad in bed . . . .

Years ago I called my dad out on this. Long story short, my brother being a bit of a ladies' man was a source of pride to him. My spending the night at my boyfriend's house was a source of consternation. (My brother and I were 21 and 22, respectively.) "That's just the way it is, Jess."

I get it, Dad is a product of his culture like we all are. But how are we supposed to reconcile these messages?

Contraception and condoms have taken away the risks of pregnancy or STI that used to attempt to keep people abstaining before marriage. The problem is that society hasn't caught up to the changes that this has wrought, the new level playing field. We don't need to control women with hateful words or castigation for being sexually active. We don't need to control them at all, never did! But all the "reasons" society used to see fit now ring hollow, and must be seen for what they are.

It is a staggering double standard to admire men for being promiscuous, and to demonize women for doing the same. And it must not be tolerated. Double standards and hypocrisy are NOT Positive Sexuality. I don't accept "that's just the way it is." It's either wrong or it's not. I'll let you guess what I think ;)

This Whole Reclaiming Thing

AHHH! I just don't get the 'reclaiming' of words that are clearly spewed at us for hateful reasons! All the 'reclaiming' does is make it seem less deplorable when they are used because we try to make them sound like it's a good thing to be called a b*tch or slut. IT'S NOT. And no matter how we women try to spin it, when a man calls us those names they aren't thinking of the positive spin we are trying to put on the word, they mean EXACTLY what they are saying! HB.

It makes the words taboo for others to use them. It also defuses the power of them. It worked for bitch, the n-word (See, I won't say it), "queer" and "fag" for the gay community. Oh, I'm a bitch? Yup, if that means being a strong tough woman who isn't taking any bullshit. :) Bam, not an insult anymore! I've used that line, it works.

If a slut is someone who enjoys sex, then yeah, I'm a slut. I wasn't a virgin when I got married, some would say that makes me a slut. Well alright then, I'll join the club! But you're right, HB, we have a long way to go toward RESPECT. That's why I think it's important for women to respect one another, to stop using these words in hatred first. If we do it, they think it's okay to do it too.